Phil's Pointless Film Blog: hot

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Monday, 14 May 2012

Which Avenger Is Best ? (Part 2) Hawkeye and The Hulk (Spoilers)

I'll throw a SPOILER ALERT right here again in case you missed it. Below I review each Avenger and some other important characters to decide who the best is. There will be several systems of voting including:

Badassness - How badass are they? I need some DAYYUMM moments.
Wit - Can they make you laugh or banter brilliantly?
Intelligence - What smarts do they have?
Heart - Are they a team player? What is their limit? Would the sacrifice themselves for the world?
Style - How good do they look while they do what they do?
Hotness - Hotness impacts how much we want to watch them...

This will hopefully determine the Best Avenger.

Hawkeye/ Agent Clint Barton

Badassness- Using a bow instead of another weapon makes you a badass from the go. Using arrows that explode or grapple or other such interesting, unconventional arrow uses is another thing you learn in badass 101. Taking out half of a flying aircraft carrier just with arrows is pretty badass. Not looking where you're shooting and still getting a direct hit is commonly considered as badass. Jumping backwards off buildings is badass, I guess. Oh, and taking out Loki even when he thought he'd beaten the arrow... Badass. Badass rating: 9/10
Wit- Unfortunately, Hawkeye spends most of his time on screen brainwashed or not speaking. When he does finally get involved in the action, he has a couple of moments that show his wit but mostly he sets up for other people. However, he seems to enjoy hearing the other people being witty which shows he's not devoid of it. Wit rating: 4/10
Intelligence- A smart soldier. One must be to have the concentration and capability that Hawkeye shows with his archery. Only a smart man could work out the how to take out a flying aircraft characters with limited arrows. ARROWS. That being said, he's not the brains behind any operation, more of a tool in everyone else's war. Intelligence rating: 6/10
Heart- Considering for half of the movie he's brainwashed by Loki, we see Clint's heart when he comes back to the good side. His friendship with Natasha. His immediate jumping into the deep end. His regret and self hatred after he realises what's happened. we can see all these things come from his heart being in a good place. He's a dedicated agent and he does not want to slip back into a darker world. Heart rating: 7/10
Style- Clint has style. As mentioned earlier in the badassery section, he dives out of buildings backwards with only a single arrow to save him, he doesn't always look where he's shooting but he still hits. He even fired at Loki when no one else could get at him. Hawkeye is one stylish mutha effer. Style rating: 9/10
Hotness- Hottest when he's doing is frown/scowl. When he smiles it can seem a bit odd. All the cool stuff he does is hot too... Also, when brainwashed, his eyes don't match the rest of him and that is unattractive and somewhat spooky. Without the weird eyes he'd get a eight, with the eyes he gets a six. And so... Hotness rating: 7/10

The Hulk/ Dr. Bruce Banner

Badassness- Bruce Banner is a calm guy. Well, he's always angry, but he seems calm. He represses whatever monster is inside of him. Sure, he's a genius but that's a bit rubbish in terms of being a badass. However, The Hulk destroys planes in seconds. The Hulk can make even the bravest people hide. The Hulk smashed Loki into the ground and called him a 'puny god' after using him as a rag doll. The Hulk saved Iron Man's life. The Hulk is almost the definition of Badass. Considering both sides of his personality... Badass rating: 8/10
Wit- As Bruce Banner is deeply troubled and angry, he's not the sort of man to participate lightly in jokes. The Hulk, also, is not one to participate in the banter around the office as...well... he's not invited and doesn't talk. Though, Bruce does trick Black Widow into thinking he's gonna blow and he has the occasional dead pan comic line... Wit rating: 2/10
Intelligence- Well, there's not really a lot to discuss here. Bruce Banner, as described by Agent Coulson, is like Stephen Hawking... A very smart person. No one knows gamma radiation like him. The only reason he's involved with The Avengers is because he's so intelligent. No one understands what he says most of the time... Well, except Stark. Intelligence rating: 10/10
Heart- The first time we meet Banner in The Avengers, he's nursing people back to health. He rushes across a town at the whim of a little girl. He then goes to help save the world with his intelligence. He never (really) mocks anyone. He saves Iron Man's life but he doesn't mind smashing the hell out of other good guys as The Hulk. His heart is in the right place when he's banner and sometimes when he's The Hulk. Heart rating: 8/10
Style- The Hulk smashes. That is all. Banner gets his work done. That is all. Admittedly, when he controls his transformation into The Hulk, he does it with style and when he is found in a warehouse naked, he handles it with dignity. Style rating: 3/10
Hotness- He's getting on a bit. Greying hair and so on. But he's still got those ruggedly good looks even if they're ageing. However, The Hulk is not attractive. Not at all. So, Banner is smart and a bit of a silver fox. Attractive but also has one of those old-enough-to-be-your-dad vibes. Hotness rating: 6/10 (Hulk - 1/10)

Sunday, 13 May 2012

Which Avenger Is Best ? (Part 1) Black Widow and Captain America (Spoilers)

Badassness - How badass are they? I need some DAYYUMM moments.
Wit - Can they make you laugh or banter brilliantly?
Intelligence - What smarts do they have?
Heart - Are they a team player? What is their limit? Would the sacrifice themselves for the world?
Style - How good do they look while they do what they do?
Hotness - Hotness impacts how much we want to watch them...

This will hopefully determine the Best Avenger.

Black Widow/ Agent Romanoff

Badassness- Black Widow/ Agent Romanoff is a secret military agent/ assassin. That's pretty badass on its own. Let alone the fact she can beat up three guys whilst tied to a chair and in her Sunday best. Oh and don't forget killing a guy with her thighs... and using a metal walkway as if it were a gymnast's pole in order to beat the crap out of Clint. She also outsmarts Loki, god of mischief. Yeah, she's pretty badass. Well, until she hides from Hulk... She stops running and panics. That's not badass. Badass rating: 8/10
Wit- A more serious member of the team. She's not rich, she's not a god, she's not a super soldier. She's just doing her job and trying to erase the red from her ledger. She has some snarky moments 'I don't see how that's a party' but she focuses more on the task in hand than banter. Wit rating: 3/10
Intelligence- She is smart. She outsmarts Loki, she convinces her opponents that they have the upper hand when she's really getting what she wants. She convinces Banner to come along to join The Avengers and she's smart enough to run when the Hulk comes out. However, she couldn't read Banner when he pretends to be angry and this causes a whole response team to surround the building. Not smart. Intelligence rating: 7/10
Heart- She begs for Tony to be okay at the end and she's there for Clint every step of his recovery, she cares about her team mates. She even tries to help Bruce when he starts transforming. But when she panics after the Hulk chases her she sits around crying rather than jumping into action to help her fellow man. All this being said, her primary motive is to complete the mission, even if it is because she wants to erase her past. Heart rating: 7/10
Style- The girl has style. That goes without saying. I mean, fighting three guys in a dress? Killing with thighs? Jumping and flipping past obstacles and onto enemy ships? Yeah, she knows what she's doing and she makes it look good. Even when she panics and runs from Hulk she makes it look good. And her interrogation style is better than any other. Style Rating: 9/10
Hotness- To claim that Black Widow isn't hot would be a crime. She is fine. All the time. Always. Her being a badass only makes her more sexy. The scene where she is fighting in a dress is ~~boobiful~~ beautiful. Hothothothothothot. The only time when she's not hot is when she gets scared. It takes away from the badass sex appeal. Hotness rating: 9/10

Hothothothothothothot

Captain America/ Steve Rogers

Badassness- Well, Captain America. The patriotic hero. He's stronger than any other man and can reflect Thor's hammer with a shield. However, he never really jumped up and said, 'look how badass I am'. No he's more of a get the job done and save the world as quickly and efficiently as possible. Though he does break into S.H.I.E.L.D's weapon locker and break up Thor and Iron Man's fight. And he does kick ass. Badass rating: 5/10
Wit- Again, the Cap is more of a straight player. When there's a cat fight breaking out, the Cap is the one who tries to break it up. Yeah, he's that guy. He doesn't understand the modern jokes. He's from a more serious time when duty was the most important thing. Wit rating: 2/10
Intelligence- He's a smart guy considering he's 70 years out of his own time zone. He doesn't lack intelligence, he lacks modern understanding. But he knows how to handle a situation. He makes no bad choices and even instructs New York's finest. Though don't let him argue with Stark... He won't understand a word. Intelligence rating: 7/10
Heart- America. The heart of the world. Captain America. The heart of the heart. He tries to save everyone. He puts everyone before himself. Even when beaten to a pulp he carries on. He even shields Black Widow with his shield during an explosion. Heart rating: 10/10
Style- Captain America is all about getting things done. Admittedly, when breaking up Thor and Iron Man's fight, he does it like a pro. He swaggers on in, holds his shield up and half the forest falls down. And there is something extremely stylish about throwing the shield. But mainly, his aim is to help. Style rating: 5/10
Hotness- Well, in his solo movie, the girl sitting next to me was drooling everytime he was on screen. She did the same in Avengers, but only when he didn't have his head piece on. He's sweet, sensitive, strong, and dedicated. With a super hot body. Hotness rating: 10/10

Can't imagine anyone complaining if
he gets down on one knee for them...

Thursday, 5 January 2012

The Sexiest Female Characters in Film?

So Empire Magazine are currently holding a poll for the Sexiest Movie Characters. Now, as a film blog, I thought it was important that I raised some thoughts on the matter. I'll stick to female characters since my love of Brad Pitt and Joseph Gordon-Levitt will over run my male choices. I've added links to any reviews I've done of the movies and I've included some favourite scenes. Do read older reviews, they're rather funny. But here's the thing: I can only pick 5. My short list is open to change but here's my current short list and reasoning IN NO ORDER:

#1: Alison Lohman as Christine Brown in Drag Me To Hell.

Why Christine Brown? In the movie, all sorts of disgusting things happen to her. Things that should be (and are) very un-sexy. However, that being said, when nobody is being sick on her or something similar, she has a cracking dress sense and always looks very attractive. 'So do most actresses!' I hear you cry. Here's where Christine Brown differs from other, typical horror movie pretty girls: The grave scene. As shown above, Christine digs up a grave and hops on in. Cue pouring rain, wet t shirt, angry shouting, and getting dirty. How could one not find that sexy? Especially considering I kinda like a girl with a bit of a bad attitude. You'll hear me say that a few times. One of my favourite scenes in a horror movie... Ever.

2# Cameron Diaz as Tina Carlyle in The Mask

When she first walks in the door, all the characters on camera turn and stare at her. She just has that effect. This is young Cameron Diaz. Before she was extremely skinny, back when she was hot. Why is Tina Carlyle so sexy? All sorts of reasons: She's trouble, she sings, she dances, she looks like that. She's brilliant in every way and she was the first time I felt the urge to wolf whistle the screen. And when she sings, I have the same reaction as Jim Carrey in this scene.

3# Jessica Alba as Nancy Callahan in Sin City

I suppose Nancy Callahan is a bit of a cheat considering she's an exotic dancer/stripper. Her job is to be sexy. Good thing is, she succeeds. But what makes Nancy even better? She's got a heart of gold. She's a complete sweetheart. A beautiful, sexy stripper who would do anything to help her friend. Now that is sexy. Plus, when she dances like this, not much else matters.

#4 Natalie Portman as Evey Hammond in V For Vendetta

If you've followed this blog for a while, you'll know Natalie Portman is one of my favourite actresses and I find her extremely attractive. So attractive in fact, that I almost just posted five different roles of hers as the five sexiest characters. But I decided that's not fair, so instead I narrowed my options down. I found it hard to choose between three of her roles: Evey, Nina (Black Swan), and Sam (Garden State). I decided that Sam's innocence made her less sexy, as did Nina's insanity. Evey on the other hand, is incredible. She is very attractive but not only that. She's loyal, strong, independent, beautiful, and very, very cool. Plus, she is the only women to look just as attractive with hair and without. I think she's extremely sexy.

Nina

Sam

#5 Emma Stone as Wichita in Zombieland

Oh, what about her isn't sexy? Hot brunette girl with a gun. Who is also a complete badass. And also a sweetheart. And also super hot. And has a bad attitude, and we've already said that I like that. She just looks so cool all the time and whether she's flirting or being a complete bitch, the words just roll off her tongue. Admittedly, Emma Stone is another actress I find beautiful all the time (See her as Olive in Easy A) but there's something especially sexy about Wichita. Maybe it's the mystery surrounding her or the fact that she could kick your ass and you'd still think she's perfect. And she comes with just a hint of danger... She doesn't even have to speak... Just look at her.